Hazardous to Yourself

by Nic Olson

Just read an article on clogging arteries

Renewed subscription to my health food magazine
Don’t wanna die young, I’m paranoid about the future
I’m only 19 and I’m a health food connoisseur

Right now I’m sitting in a room, I could be lying in a box if I don’t eat right

Some people tell me what is good and bad for me
I don’t trust anyone but health food magazine
Mom makes me food that sucks and I refuse to eat
Lock myself in my room, lose thirty pounds a week

Right now I’m sitting in a room, I could be lying in a box if I don’t eat right

Stay locked in your room all day, your warped imagination
Stacks of books are piled high, with useless information
Let your anxiety tell you what is good and bad for you
Let paranoia tell you what to do
You always say that it’s a hazard to your health
Why don’t you put your fucking fear back on the shelf
Because the only hazard I see, the only hazard I see
The only hazard I see is yourself

Signed a petition to get smokers out of here
I got the figures on second hand smoke death rate every year
Can’t go outside my room, you know I just can’t leave
I’m too afraid that I will get some weird disease

Right now I’m sitting in a room, I could be lying in a box if I don’t eat right

My doctor tells me I’m a hypochondriac
He claims he can help me, but he’d stab me in the back
Been all around my room, there’s nothing good to eat
Health magazine with ketchup is my new delicacy

Right now I’m sitting in a room, I could be lying in a box if I don’t eat right

Stay locked in your room all day, your warped imagination
Stacks of books are piled high, with useless information
Let your anxiety tell you what is good and bad for you
Let paranoia tell you what to do
You always say that it’s a hazard to your health
Why don’t you put your fucking fear back on the shelf
Because the only hazard I see is what you’re doing to your health
The only hazard I see, the only hazard I see
The only hazard I see is yourself


No, I didn’t write this in Grade Two. This one might have been Grade Four…. No Use For a Name. They are the ones that wrote it, back in the days of glorious punk rifts and catchy pop choruses. Before the ‘chuggalugs’ were popular. This song in four verses, four bridges and two choruses, explains my feelings in the past seven months. Forgive the swears, no censorship here. 
The only thing I don’t agree with in this song is the part about my mom making sucky food. We all know that Laura hasn’t cooked a sucky meal since I’ve been alive, and quite likely years and years before that. The only sucky thing my mom has done that is sucky is her first three attempts at children….

I can’t even start to explain my hate for the paranoia that is pushed on us everyday. If we believed half of the things we read or heard about on the news, we’d all be dead anyways. It is a basic fact that everything you hear on the news is 99% crap and 1% toilet. Think about it.

The only thing in North America that is dangerous or hazardous to us in anyway, is ourselves. If you forget to wash your apple before you eat it, I promise you’ll be ok. If you brush your teeth once a week, I promise, your teeth will still stay white. If you don’t have soap to wash your hands after dropping a giant d, you’re food won’t be contaminated. Suck it up. Don’t listen to anyone. Don’t wash your hands.
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