Deviated Septumplets

by Nic Olson

1. I was laying in bed listening to the patients around me. One was a 65 year old carnie, worked the games for 20 years. Another was a 15 year old mom getting gallbladder sugery. Her mother said, “Next time I get surgery I’m bringing a bag of my own blood. Do you know how long it takes to recover from someone else’s dirty blood? Plus, God doesn’t like it.” She might have been a Jehov…

2. When I first woke up, I woke up in the Recovery room, 100% high. I thought I was in Yellowknife. Then I think I started speaking Hindi and asked about my possibly Indian anestesiologist. He got to wear a disposable belaclava to cover his beard. Cool guy.

3. I snorted cocaine in front of my father. They brought me a little plastic bag full of Columbia’s finest and offered a key, the back of my hand or to line one up for me. I chose all three. But actually, before anything else they gave me a nasal mist of cocaine, it was labelled. I was high, I’m sure of it.

4. After I spoke Hindi for a while, I tried to roll on my side for comfort, but I couldn’t roll over my mostly dead body. It was like someone was laying dead weight on me. Cool.

5. While getting naked presurgery, I didn’t tie me gown up so well, but it all stayed in there. The nurse later informed me that I could wear my undershorts. Had I known this I would have wore the Lucky Reds to add a “Successful Septum Renovation” to the list. I guess the Maruti Macromans performed well. Yeah, that’s what they’re actually called.

6. I only saw one cute nurse.

7. I now look like Owen Wilson, as planned.

As some have pointed out, my nose has the same birthday as Kris. Happy Birthday, may you both never break again, although I think it was probably you that did this to me. Thanks.