Save Our Winters

by Nic Olson

The mailbox had a sticker that said, ‘No Flyers Please! Save our Trees!’ And I flipped open the tin screeching lid and dropped in the world’s worst news paper and a handful of great gift ideas on paper courtesy of Zellers and Staples.  ‘Save our Trees’, but subscribe to a daily copy of a bankrupt mainstream media’s finest journal. CanWest’s finest recycled paper. The only practical use that a newspaper has in this day and age is to clean up animal and child feces, wrapping gifts, or enclosing fried foods in foreign countries.

I kept mumbling the word Grosvenor because I put paper in early morning tin on Grosvenor Street, and the pronunciation of that word has always puzzled me.

I wanted to unplug each car I saw, to equalize everyone’s vehicle with mine, and to watch a giant South-end recession because everyone lost their jobs when they didn’t make it to work in time, because the fill-in paperboy had a vendetta against anyone with an occupation and a driveway longer than three car lengths. My bladder wanted to drizzle golden-yellow crudities on their freshly whitened driveways and untouched front yards.

Delivering newspapers at 4:30am with no sleep. Each house I searched in the dark, ankle deep in powder, for house numbers, so I could ensure the proper household got the proper information at the proper time. But my glasses kept fogging up and my face was getting cold. Realizations always occur for me when I’m tired. I realized that winter is perfect. An actual hilarious situation of slight discomfort and constant complaint. I truly love it. Then again I haven’t seen a full winter in three years.

Instead of Saskatchewan winters, I’d rather indirectly complain about other things like Gary Bettman and Christmas shoppers, and subtly express my hatred for humans through verbal expression through this blog. Complain about things that I could change, but never do, like myself and society. Because the only way I can see a stop in complaints about harsh temperatures, is by a continuation of Leader-Post distribution via car, truck and van.  Enough printing and distribution that we reach a point of total global warming and the absence of winter as we know it. I hope someday we can credit the fall of Canadian winters to the rise of CanWest Media.