A number of people have told me that I’m doing a good thing being here. I still haven’t figured out why.
I look down upon those getting an education, because the process doesn’t work for me. But as I sit upon the saddle of my high horse of business and look down my nose at those whose noses are wedged in the spines of textbooks, I am jousted in the ribs by my opposing ideals, knocking me back down to the dusty ground of reality. At lunch breaks and coffee breaks I sit alone reading Russian literature on a marble bench on the fourth floor of the Eaton Centre and wonder whether this is where I need to be. Whether my ideas of the education system, or the system of business are all wrong and I’m just wasting my time, as if there were entry level jobs that weren’t the same thing.
But ; I am not in any way regretting my decision to start new. I love it here. I’ve started relationships that are authentic, I’ve learned immense amounts about actual human beings, but confusion is still striking. I haven’t solved everything I want to solve. I haven’t figured out all of life’s problems, which is why I continue to bitch and complain. Because one or two aspects of my life have improved, but there is still the unanswered questions, which weigh on me. Not that I believed a new location would answer my questions or solve my grievances with humanity.
Maybe it is good that I am here so I can be myself. Finding one’s self is not a process of actual searching for something, but a process of being in places or situations or mindsets that allow you to be yourself. And maybe that is something I’ve got. And maybe the rest will come naturally.