Andre Agassi Flakes

by Nic Olson


I left the fridge door open for half of an hour today. I made myself some lunch; potatoes, rice, dal and a carrot, left the kitchen to enjoy my meal on the couch, where the fridge is not visible. If something is not visible from the couch it is not my responsibility. My roommate walked into the kitchen and honked a laugh, told me that I left the door open. Again. The third time this week. I’ve had trouble in the past with properly closing doors, including those of refrigerators, because I was brought up with a fridge door properly balanced so that the door would fall closed itself. I was never weaned off this system. Fridge doors should just shut, any accountable appliance owner knows how to make that happen. I guess technically I am an appliance owner now.

I got a job today. If I want it.
I don’t want it. It is another call centre. Supposedly lawful this time. They called me. I would much rather stay at home reading, playing Andre Agassi Tennis, Donkey Kong, Lion King for Super Nintendo. I’m doing about the same amount of good for humanity either way. Interviewing for jobs that you don’t want is interesting. I still got the job, although I did not show any bit of interest, but I guess I showed up at an interview, unshaven however. I muttered ‘Text 3#’ that she wanted me to read, to see if my call centre voice had a high enough percentage of bullshit in it. Eighty percent, I’m guessing.

I am worried that I might be a flaky human and not even know it. A spacey mess. I feel like I am a well balanced being, with a proper ratio of laziness, spontaneity, commitment, dependability to at least be considered alright to employ or to spend time with. But after not being able to shut the fridge door, not taking a job that was handed to me, quitting two jobs in less than two months, possibly dropping French class and rarely bathing has got me to thinking.

Blame it on youth. Inexperience. A dependence on refrigerators and situations that take care of themselves. Blame it on fruits grown robust with chemicals. Blame sugary cereal. Balls of Rice Flakes. Flakes of Rice.

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