In my brief travels since quitting life I have had the chance to rate many cities based on the foolproof and completely shallow system that allows any onlooker to understand the basics of a new city, with the same amount of knowledge and research as a Lonely Planet or Fodor’s Travel Guide. It has never failed me.

Food- The first meal, Guatemalan breakfast. The second meal, Big Truck burritos. The first grocer, a massive Indian market. 7-11, terrible Slurpees called icy drinks. Easter Potluck at Tyler’s, my Indian food, veg chili, carrot puff, sweet potato casserole. Nic’s (spelt the same way!) Grill, top five best burgers of my life. Chick-fil-A, the most amazing fast food experience of my life, and the food was alright too. 4.5/5

Girls- It seems like in my new found position I should void this category, but in the spirit of a well-rounded system, and for a fair representation of this new city, I think I’ll stick with it. Easter Sunday mega-church, at least mega to me and church to some, all the college girls, save a few, were robed in lustfully inspired spring dresses and resurrection inspired curls in their hair. Southern Belles are not for me. XXX/Easter Bunny

Intangibles- Horse in the backyard. Smoking pipes. Talks about Health Care, economics, politics. Slip ‘n’ Slide. Hindi movie where Karina Kapoor actually kisses Amir Khan. Lack of public transportation. Easter Eggs hidden with peanut butter, Doritos, Vitamin C, dryer sheets and sticky men inside. People. 4/5

Overall- Passable. Liveable. As I’ve said before, a city is only as great as it’s sleaziest man, and the people here seem to be alright. People are the grout of a city built with red bricks on top of a bed of red soil.