Tour Blues

by Nic Olson

A lot can happen in three days. Florida without internet, when things actually happen I can’t talk about them. But really, nothing happened. We got pulled over in a Floridan car, questioned, patted down (groped in the crotch) by a lady police officer, and questioned about my hot chilis and Canadian drivers license. Played a show in Memphis at the same venue that Johnny Cash allegedly played his first. I’ve watched a fight almost every night at each show. I’ve got what has been referred to as the ‘Tour Blues’, when a lack of sleep, vitamins, positivity, internet connection, and too much watching others play World of Warcraft, combine to create scurvy-like symptoms where the body begins to eat itself alive. So I drank vegetable juice, slept a lot, cried softly, consumed gallons of the Universal Solvent (water), and skipped two Taco Bell trips. The tour blues have almost subsided.

The gentlemen in A Textbook Tragedy hit the beach with beers for upwards of nine hours yesterday, resulting in gleaming red burns on backs, foreheads, noses. A local southerner recommended to bathe lightly in vinegar and wash it off with the Universal Solvent. Other uses of vinegar: elementary school cleaning agent (diluted with the Universal Solvent), cooking, dousing fried goods in, gardening, washing clothes, curing the tour blues, making cool explosions with baking soda, salt and vinegar chips. Maybe vinegar is the new Universal Solvent. It must be nice to have multiple uses, like vinegar, or water. I can’t even sell shirts, write blogs, stay healthy or make tips.

Alabama accents are harder to understand than the French language. Maybe if they gargled vinegar it would clear their throats…