Is that strongly agree, or just agree?

by Nic Olson

A lot of people say they couldn’t work at a call centre. That they couldn’t handle rude homeowners, the apparent constant yelling, the dry, dark air of a downtown office setting, and sitting aware of the clock for nine hours of your eight hour shift. I guess I understand. But the priceless responses by right wing radicals in Tennessee, Mississippi and the lisping liberals in California, and the light chuckles are well worth it. Four months ago when I told my Indian friend that I got a call centre job, he told me to get out, unless I was going to make it a career. I wasn’t going to make it a career, and currently am working on going to court with my first call centre for being a sketchy, mafia run, illegitimate, cheating business. The hearing is on July 29th. I swear to tell the whole truth. And nothing but.

These days I call people in North America, calling from the RCMP, from Marist College, calling from Harris Decima, conducting incredibly interesting surveys about nothing incredibly interesting. We perform surveys for wealthy institutions who need affirmation that they are loved by the moronic public, or for wealthy institutions who need statistics for random pathetic graduate studies. The Canadian Associate of Petroleum Producers used our services to show the naivety and neutrality of the public. Also see their advertisements being shown during World Cup soccer matches, sure to make the oil deep in your skin seep out and cry for justice.

Would you rather be a rock star, a professional athlete, the president of the USA, or an actor? Do you believe you married the right person? And the final question, after a ten minute conversation with the person, Are you male or female? Many Americans don’t know from which country their country gained independence from, but they sure know they like ribs at their 4th of July BBQs. Fat English Ribs.

There are thousands of widowed retirees out there, just waiting to have a nice conversation with a young professional and pour their opinions into the insensitive ears of human survey robots. The Old People Hotline, youth willing to talk to the experienced, for only $11/hour. Just performing my civic duty.

If you haven’t noticed yet, when an 1-800 number shows up on the caller ID, it will ring again and again if you don’t pick up and say a polite ‘No thanks.’ Or all you have to do is to answer a few light questions, probably equaling the intelligence of the sum of your conversations for the entire day. It is just a lonely agent like me, wishing someone would answer the phone so the last seven hours of the shift go by faster than 2 to every 1 seconds.