Pity

by Nic Olson

My newest great idea: cook rice with the rice cooker in the bedroom to maximize heat production without using a heater. My room warmed up one full metric degree.
Tip #1: Point the hole in the rice cooker lid to aim in your bed’s general direction.
Tip #2: Eat with your hands. It tastes better and warms up icy cold fingers in minutes.

Real life tips from a real life loser.

I enjoy reading, watching films, sleeping, sitting, listening to music, eating, and constantly picking my nose, just like most people, but I usually find myself performing these activities whilst on the floor. It is no secret that I sleep like most would consider a hobo to sleep, but I’ve just found comfort in the apparently uncomfortable. And now I can watch my rice cook/heat my room just inches off the floor, while I sit on piles of blankets on my bed/floor. The best places to sit in schools are on the floor. The best places to sit in the metro stations are on the ground between billboards. The best places to eat-out have no chairs. The best places to be are those closest to the floor.

While holidaying in Saskatchewan, the world’s greatest December/January holiday location, the wealthy, recession proof, oil-soaked locals who read my blog and believe the exaggerations I spout, took pity on me. I was given free breakfasts, beers, suppers, arcade hours, more suppers, drivers licenses, etc, until the last day when I somewhat held my dignity and paid for my breakfast and half of another. I have been redeemed.

The richer you get, the higher you are. You crawl as a beggar. You walk as a peasant. You ride a bicycle as a student becoming rich. You drive a car as a person well-off. You ride a horse as a stable owner. You cruise a huge truck when you can afford rivers of gasoline. You fly a plane when you have too much money to care about anything else. The evolution of travel is the same as the evolution of staying put. The further up the chain you get, the higher your couch is.

Everyone loves a good bunk bed. I had one and for whatever reason I slept on the top bunk although I didn’t have anyone to sleep in the bottom. One night, because my neglectful parents forgot to put the guard rail up, I rolled off the top shelf and landed on the dark brown unvacuumed carpet. I crawled in the bottom bed and continued sleeping. I appreciate a good couch, and beds are great too, but I hope that I sleep on or very near the ground for the rest of my life. The closer to the ground that you live your life, the shorter the distance you have to fall, because you inevitably will. I sleep on the ground. You can’t fall much lower than that.

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