by Nic Olson
I travelled in time last night. I have scarlet fever to prove it. I believe that it is fully possible that I had the ability to travel through time while I sleep. I feel like this is the most likely time that it will occur. I distinctly remember waking up at 3:45am, then at 7:54am, then at 4:30am then at 8:00am, fifteen minutes before school started. I remember waking up at 7:54am, telling myself that I didn’t have to get ready for school because I could just travel back in time a few hours. I did it, and tried doing it again when 8:00am rolled around, but quantum physics knew that I needed to get to class to learn how to conjugate the verb ‘savoir’ in past simple and past anterior, oddly similar to the name of a man people base their lives around. (Je sus, J’eus su). Little do these people know that when they say his name, they are really just saying, ‘I know, I know…’ in an annoyed voice in the most holy of languages, French, with the most holy of accents, Quebecois.
But regardless of languages or religions which God decides to smite or not, I travelled through time, and if I could only remember what I saw. Was it airplanes like birds , or humans like amphibians? Was it the nuclear mess of the future, or the industrial mess of the past? Was Sheen the President and Strombo Prime Minister? Did Apple Computers eventually create the iPad: Jesus Edition with the tagline, ‘So perfect, you’ll think it’s the second coming’ that we’re all expecting? Did I ever learn not to be flaky? If only I could’ve written down the formula for time travel in my sleep. Estimation:
I would be on the cover of Time magazine as Sexiest Canadian Time Traveller Under Twenty-Five Since Michael J. Fox. I played Dr. Filby in my grade nine production of ‘The Time Machine’, and if memorizing that script and not living up to my potential as an actor doesn’t prove that I have enough credentials to travel through time in my sleep when I am twenty-two, then I think we are much further from the concept of time travel than we once thought.
I found a wormhole in my bed. A tear in the space time continuum occurred on the floor of my scummy apartment. Had I slept on a bed I wouldn’t have experienced it. Had I used a cellphone as an alarm clock I wouldn’t have known it happened. But it did, and I did, and if I am acting odd for the next two weeks, you know why. Because Morlocks and Elois have trapped me in their bleak version of the future that we so naively created for them all by ourselves.
This song was a part my time travel.
All hail PM Stromboulopoulos.