How to Succeed in Business

by Nic Olson

I was born a businessman, and I will die a rich businessman. The quality of the product is of no consequence, a good businessman sells anything. He sells everything. He must exude self-esteem and confidence in astronomical quantities, as I do, and he must know, deep in his loins, that Sales is where he was born to be.

In marketing school called Life, they teach you that the purpose of any human being, whether it is a businessman, a writer, a male trying to copulate with a female at the bar, a musician, an engineer applying for a new job, a child at their first day of school, a vacuum salesman, or a female call girl trying to turn a trick, is to sell themselves. If a human being is unable to sell themselves, they will have no success in selling a product, even if it is free food to a starving man.

It is always the fault of the businessman if his client prefers the product that is free or cheaper. If he can be swindled out of his product through lack of initiative or timidity or shame, even if the product is a book that he wrote himself and purchased himself, then he will inevitably fail. It is the duty of the businessman to convince the public that the product they want is great, simply because they want it, and simply because of its name and its heritage. And for this, they will pay top dollar.

Any good businessman is not in business for the money or perks or fame. They are in it to promote products and lifestyles that they fully indorse, but even more importantly, they are in it to promote the art of Sales, the truly fine, integrity-filled and honest art that it is. They are in it to enrich the lives of their clients.

I am a businessman. I am currently in the business of selling literature, written by me. I am trying to sell myself, because I’ve been giving away the product in equal ratio to selling it, which as we all know from the short six-step process listed below, is the key to success in business.

A simple guide of how to be a successful businessman.

1. Create a product.

2. Be ashamed of the product.

3. Don’t feel comfortable selling the product.

4. Give the product away.

5. Pay your credit card off several weeks later with your own money you earned working your part-time job.

6. Repeat.

Following this procedure will ensure Apple-like profits.

This businessman now posts the following job opportunities:
Literary Agent. Duties include selling my book and convincing me not to quit writing, unless you actually think that I should. Wage is 10% of sales.
Full-Time Editor. Duties include screening my writing and telling me what is a dud and what is less of a dud. Wage is first position on my ‘Thank You List’ for book number two.

I take resumes by email and spontaneous interviews if you broach the subject.

Please consider your involvement with the future of business with some of the greatest business minds in the world: the Balls of Rice Team.

Thank you.