by Nic Olson

Phakdichumpon Cave

The crimson tide of communism flows north from Indonesia into the remainder of the ASEAN countries, conquering and destroying numbers of tribals with a roll of the dice. Tens of thousands are displaced, thousands others are killed. Borders are bolstered when resources exist enough to do so, and infiltrations continue based on economics and weather.

These are the ins and outs of LANDRULE, the rip-off, digital version of the classic marathon board game RISK, where joke apologies are given when cultures are decimated, and homogeneousness is the end goal. When you have 44hours of van time in three days, such games and distractions and mindless mind-stimulation is necessary. We watch Band of Brothers, a Hollywood ‘tribute’ to the allies in WWII, then we pass the massive Samsung Galactica S7 to the next unshowered goon, pretend to conquer the world, one podcast at a time.

In contemporary, middle-class terms, we are conquering the land. We burn fossil fuels and eat Peanut Butter Salted Nut Rolls to show our progress and civility as humans. In five months from Regina to Vancouver to Horse Creek to Yellowknife to Winnipeg to Thailand to Regina to Seattle to New York spanning amounts of time in which only microbes can thrive. Such life is not natural for the relationship between a person and a person, a person and their brain, a person and their butthole.

Thusly, my original doubts of malaria and parasites and any illness that exists until it breaks me down like a lego wall in an air strike, have begun to become real fears. My body aches for a home that I don’t have. In joking desperation and boredom WebMD tells me that I might have meningitis or hepatitis or West Nile shortly after it asked me if my symptoms included ‘low self esteem’ and ‘poor personal hygiene’. Do you have a craving to eat ice, dirt, or paper? If so, contact our emergency health insurance provider immediately.

It’s not natural for a body to travel this far, this quickly, someone stated when the golden glow of New York City invaded the night sky from 50 miles out. Feels like I haven’t touched the ground in 4 days. I haven’t, really. The snaredrum whispered in my ears from atop the pile of guitars, amps, t-shirts, warning me that it was about to land on my neck with the next bump in the NJ Turnpike.

Fox News headlines digested during free hotel breakfast:
Rudy Guiliani thinks Obama doesn’t love America.
North Korea claims that ebola was biological warfare sent by the US to destroy the world.

I am here to bring it home.

LANDRULE continues.