Category: Politics

  • A Monopoly on Stupidity

    I was walking downtown today feeling pretty good about myself: carrying a dictionary and thesaurus that I got for free, looking at my mitts that I patched up myself, walking towards the bus stop. I was surprised seeing the hoards of people in downtown Regina as if it were pretending to be a real city, slowly forgetting its roots as a hub of agriculture and becoming a home of oil-fueled development. Mid thought, a man in a blue jacket with a large video camera on his shoulder approached me.
    “Do you support Prime Minister Harper’s proposal to end the Canadian Wheat Board monopoly?”  he asked.
    I instinctively said no. (I mean, it is Harper.)
    “Why?” he asked.
    I had no idea. I sat there trying to come up with an answer for a minute, stuttering like an ass, staring into the void of Scarth Street with the large cyclops on the shoulder of the man with the blue jacket, shooting a beam of heat directly into my mind. My brain an old lawnmower, I kept pulling the cord and the motor kept coughing and sputtering with no results. He then asked what I thought about MPs changing parties while in office. I gave half of an answer, still reeling from my complete lack of knowledge on the Wheat Board. It was shameful.

    I walked away and two minutes later came up with a semi-decent response that would’ve at least given the impression that I was able to speak, although perhaps not eloquently or well-informed. And as much as my inability to answer was due to my lack of knowledge of the topic, I feel that part of it was due to my lack of social ability. I did not even have the capacity to suggest or admit that I didn’t know enough about the topic to properly answer the question, instead I got stuck in my stubbornness and general distrust of sinister Prime Minister Harper. It wasn’t the first time this week, or even today, where I was unable to express myself in even the simplest banter or conversation. Most people improve upon their social ineptitudes but I recently have only been deteriorating. Maybe it is from living alone for the past three days.

    I have since come home, had a two-hour nap to stifle my embarrassment, and began to read about some of the many things that I don’t know. The Canadian Wheat Board and Harper’s intentions with it. I have learned that I don’t know as much as I think I do, and I see this as something important to realize on a regular basis. It keeps you humble. I also learned that I would rather form an opinion on the Wheat Board from talking to people that it affects directly, instead of from reading articles written by people living in Ottawa. I learned that the Canadian Wheat Board was created by Parliament and Harper’s attempt to end the ‘monopoly’ seems more like an attempt to privatize the industry.

    Afterwards, walking down 11th Ave, the brisk wind of humility slapped me in the face. I wished the man with the camera would have gone to an actual rural community to petition people that knew things about the Wheat Board, like it was his fault that I was uninformed on a current event of this country. I wished he would ask me a question on the provincial election, or Regina’s housing crisis, or the political situation in Burma, or about the Keystone pipeline, or Vonnegut short stories, or a good sandwich place, or where to buy Levi’s in Regina, or about something that I knew anything about, but I still likely would’ve froze like an unwrapped pound of ground beef in the deep-freeze. I wished that I had answered the phone last week when there was a recording calling every number in Saskatchewan telling why I should support the Canadian Wheat Board. I wish I hadn’t had a monopoly on stupidity and awkwardness today, and now, I almost wish that I hadn’t told you about it.

    Good thing no one watches CPAC.

  • Worms and Rain

    The worms come out in the rain.

    An earthworm, measuring from my outstretched little finger to my outstretched thumb, at segments as thick as an expensive pen, was making its way to the gutter. A mammoth when it comes to minute beings. He and all of his miniature friends were exiling from their moist, mineral-filled, front lawn home, striving for the unknown of the asphalt. The likely outcome for them was to reach the gutter and get compressed by the weight of a parking car. The worst outcome for them was to be mutilated with sticks and sharp objects by the neighbourhood children. The best outcome was a gentle hand. However, death was nearly inevitable.

    So I grabbed the largest miniature worm and he recoiled in instinctive terror. I held his squirming body, whispered comforting motherly words to him, and placed him back on the saturated lawn, two feet away. I did my best to solve his problems by bending down and contacting him directly, to avoid his foreseeable death by car tire.

    I have been waiting over seven days, holding in the violent emotion that accompanies loss and more loss and further loss. Lifting boxes of vinyl and eating General Tao kept my mind off the facts, but when the dust settles and breaths are exhaled, my hockey team lost and my country lost greater. It is easy to alienate friends and casual readers by getting into hockey team systems and political ideologies and core beliefs, but saying nothing with the goal of not offending is akin to saying something that I disagree with. The fact that our country has fallen into four more years of leadership by a charmless snake with an ass for a hat, not only disheartens me, but frightens me. Democracy that tastes of fascism. Choosing for government selfishly, out of fear, or religious belief, or hope for affluence, is the same as stepping on the problems of others or encouraging these problems to continue to grow.

    The spring of 1996, Scott Mellanby’s hockey stick killed a rat. The next game, he proceeded to score three goals with the same stick. During the playoffs, fans showered the ice with rats, dead and alive. Playing street hockey as a kid during the same playoffs, after a heavy spring rain dried out, hundreds of crispy earthworms stuck to the driveway. I was the neighbourhood worm man, scoring hat tricks and sweeping away the wormy problems of the world in my ignorant youth.

    It is raining right now. Pretty hard. For the past three days straight. Apocalyptic symbol or just a low pressure system, either way, the worms come out in the rain. The worms of everyday problems are exposing themselves on the hard concrete of the sidewalks and we must be the people to bend down and solve them instead of tip-toeing around selfishly, or sweeping them away from the crease with our hockey sticks like unaware children.

    The rain is constant and unyielding. The problems are thus the same. Selfishness will do nothing but kick the worms into the gutters when they need to be hand-placed back on the lawn. Earthworms will forever exist but it doesn’t mean we can pretend otherwise.

  • Exorcism of a Constitutional Monarchy

    In less than a week, you can exercise democracy, and you can exorcise democracy.

    I watched ‘The Rite’ last week. Another Anthony Hopkins triumph; he becomes a better actor with age and gets creepier with each film. A film about exorcisms, probably the greatest of the genre, where the exorcist becomes the possessed and a nonbeliever must perform the exorcism. This is the story of the 2011 election. The fact that I vote sometimes surprises me, seeing that I don’t believe in the system or don’t really identify with any of of the power hungry leaders. At some point the system became possessed with the demons of apathy, greed, and control, and it will take those who don’t believe, the nonbelievers of democracy, to exorcise the system from the legions of demonic politicians that dominate it. This is our chance to become extreme Catholics.

    I am performing my act of exorcism by mail. I sat on the floor, wrote a name on my paper, blessed it with several New Testament verses and dropped my ballot in the big red Canada Post ballot box on the street just after I crossed myself. There are many ways to go about voting, as long as you do it and do it selflessly. It doesn’t matter who you vote for, as long as you vote informed. Exercise your right. Exorcise what’s right. We are all screwed.

    Project Democracy
    CBC Vote Compass
    CBC Canada Votes