The Biggest Winner

by Nic Olson

Last weekend while following Means around Canada with Lucas and Eric, we hit a few gas stations on the way. Gas ranged from 104.2 to 106.9, in case you were wondering.  We drove through Moosmin a few times, on the way to and from Loser-peg, and stopped at the Esso that everyone always stops at because of it’s convenient position near Dairy Queen and the welcoming smiles of their employees.  We entered, relieved ourselves, bought some salty goods, and weighed ourselves on the weigh scale near the counter. I turned out to be about twenty pounds heaver than both of them, and about ten pounds shy of 200.  Later on in the weekend, I told them that it was my goal to hit 200 someday in my life, when Eric said I could do it in a week. Lucas didn’t believe in me, and The Biggest Winner was born. I have to gain about ten pounds by this weekend, and if I do, I win something that I don’t even remember. If I lose, I go down in the history books as the biggest pussy ever under 200 pounds.

Gravy and chocolate bar sandwiches, butter on my Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chips, Crisco smoothies with Velveeta. This might be a good week. 
I didn’t directly tell you my weight, because it is none of your business, and because it makes me overweight according to my BMI. But if you look close, ever so close, you might be able to solve the mathematical nightmare of a problem that is my weight. So I challenge you this holiday season, purposefully gain some weight. It is easy enough, and I heard that the Victorian Ages are ‘in’ again, which means fat is beautiful.
Get fat.