How I Found Balls of Rice

by Nic Olson

‘i am a scientist what kind of job i can do in the canadian governemnt’

There are people that ask themselves this question everyday, or at least often enough to think of typing the phrase into an online search engine. Evidently, scientists do not need to have a sense of grammar, punctuation or spelling in order to work for the Canadian government, and knowing our federal government, I am in no way surprised. I just hope to heaven that it wasn’t an adult who searched such words. I hope at least that it was a young boy, propagandized by his high school Physics teacher, telling him that there would be many jobs available (besides high school Physics teacher) if he got a Physics degree. This young boy searched these hallowed words on an internet search engine, with a sense of hope in his heart, for a page that outlined high paying, low turnover government scientist jobs with which he could live well and retire. Through his search engine linking him to Balls of Rice, this boy ended up getting the counsel of myself. And then, his innocence vanished.

On the ‘Site Stats’ page of any WordPress blog dashboard, there is a section entitled ‘Search Engine Terms’ which lists all the different words or phrases that people Googled and used to eventually stumble upon your blog. Typical terms used to find Balls of Rice are:

-rice balls, balls of rice, balls rice, Nic Olson, my balls dipped in rice, etc.
-il faut que je fasse, il faut, french
-what did dolphins evolve from
-peanut butter on feet
-‘i am risky after wisky’
arabian goggles
-windsor salt kills
meaning in english of del potro
-“kris olson” obituary and “january 11 2010”
-slut riddles
-zombie xmas dinner
-“lucky reds” regina
-“there does not seem to be an aim handle”
-dog vomit mizoram
-pie with a quarter gone
-camus balls, and of course…
‘i am a scientist what kind of job i can do in the canadian governemnt’

Many of these terms bring back great memories of past posts that we all enjoyed together, either holding our sides in unparalleled laughter, or buying up boxes of tissues to prepare ourselves for the heavy brush of emotion, or scratching our chins at deeply philosophical ideas. Oh friends, the years we have spent together and the memories we made watching the growth of size, cynicisms, and writing ability of the young author of Balls of Rice! These past years have been characterized completely by a list of nonsensical terms, proof of the timeless nature of Balls of Rice. I urge you to stick around for the years to come so together we can further watch the deterioration of the author’s mental sanity and so we can laugh at all the phrases that people used to stumble across this dusty URL.

Oh, how low we have climbed from, and how high we will go.
-quote from an anonymous Canadian Scientist

(post 533)